My personal experience of illness so far

I realise that I'm a sample of one so I'm going to give you my experience so far from my first real experience of being ill (other than the occasional cough or cold.) Mostly for me so far it's been one of intense boredom interspersed with moments of panic, sadness, and occasional contentment.

When I was acutely ill in the hospital, time passed quite quickly and there was a lot going on and a lot to process. The days were broken up with periodic visits by the nurses to administer medication or to assess vital signs, as well as awaiting tests, results, and visits from the doctors or any other healthcare professional that may have been requested to see me. Also, for me, as I had been feeling so unwell for quite some time and had deteriorated rapidly just prior to my admission, there was such a sense of relief once the intense physical pain was taken away, that I was almost euphoric.

Once I was discharged, my family arrived from various locations and I was surrounded by love and support. My parents live in Galway and as does my adult son so they arrived together, followed by my sister who traveled down from Dublin. My adult daughter was already at home as she was on midterm break from her university course in Paris. It was crowded and more than a little chaotic, but it was a mini family reunion so my mood was upbeat.

Of course, then they left - my sister to return to Dublin and my parents to fly to New York and then Los Angeles on their annual trip to visit my fathers' side of the family in NY, and my brother and his family in LA. There was the initial relief of having some private space after the hospital admission and those daily small victories of needed less pain medication, or being able to walk for longer or at a faster pace. And then the physical plateau began where it occurred to me that this might be as good as it gets. As difficult as this alone is to process, negative thoughts began to creep in about what further diagnoses might be waiting down the road. Time began to pass in increasingly small increments with nothing to distract me. The day I was expecting the results of the CT, I walked seven miles just to make time pass a little more quickly.

Part of the problem may be that I have told very few people the full story of what is going on. My friends here in this adopted town of mine know about the PE, but they have busy lives with a lot going on at the moment. Additionally, as I met my local friends through running it's not as if I could just mention it in passing on a Sunday morning 8 miler. One friend here knows what is going on, another who has recently moved to Galway I confided in also, as well as a long-time friend and work colleague who I dissected the CT images with before the official radiologist report came back. Actually now it sounds like I've told loads of people! I'm aware this is on the internet, so very public, but google tells me nobody reads it so while documenting this here is therapeutic for me, it's not like a support network with feedback and input from others in similar situations.

I suppose, as I'm very family focussed, it feels like I haven't told anyone, as none of my family know except my partner and my sister. As my parents and daughter are overseas at the moment, I don't want them to panic for something that could be nothing. In the case of my daughter - this Erasmus year has been great for her so far and really brought her out of her shell so I'm reluctant to cast a shadow over that for her. And obviously, I can't tell anyone else until my parents and children know so I had to lie about my CT results to my parents and all of my extended family over and over again.

So for some good news after all that heavy stuff. I don't have to take these lads twice a day now.

I'm on the 20mg once a day instead which is far more manageable. As they have to be taken with food it was a bit of a logistical nightmare trying to make sure you were having two substantial meals 12 hours apart. Like what if you are hungry for your dinner at 5pm? (totally possible if you are not working and hanging around the house all day!)

Also, as of Thursday, I'm back to work. I basically begged my GP for a fitness to return to work cert in exchange for working exclusively from home for the next month. It turns out I'm not suited to waiting around for things to happen so I may as well fill my day with work that I enjoy. While it looked like this saga was going to be an isolated incident with a gradual return to full health, that seems unclear just now so in the meantime I'll keep myself busy the way that comforts me, by working my socks off!

Recovery one week post discharge

I seem to on a bit of a recovery plateau at the moment, but it is early days I suppose. My chest pain at rest and on exercise has neither improved or disimproved, but I have tapered off any pain medication drastically. Today I took 500mg of paracetamol but that was it. For a couple of reasons, I have the urge not to dull the remainder of the chest pain. I find it reassuring to note that it's still in the same places and that there is nothing new, and when I do try to exert myself a little, being aware of the pain forces me to back off a bit. I failed to achieve the four-mile walk target I set myself but that is mostly due to appalling weather yesterday combined with a trip to the airport with my parents and a GP visit.
My GP was fabulous and ordered the tests that I should probably have had as an inpatient, and also checked my moles. It was due to her that today I finally had a duplex venous scan of my lower limb to rule that out as the source of my clot. Negative, as expected with my lack of leg pain and swelling but at least that is one more thing off the list. I would have felt silly paying for a CT abdo/pelvis to then find out that I had a leg DVT that caused the whole thing. She has also ordered a routine cardiology consult due to an ongoing exercise-related tachycardia issue that it most probably unrelated. And, I also booked an appointment with a dentist for a check-up and oral cancer screen (to my shame, my first dental appointment since I moved here!)
In exercise news, I walked 2-3 miles today. I'm not sure of the exact total as I didn't do a route I'm familiar with and wearing my Fitbit at the moment would be too depressing - it kept buzzing at me in the hospital as I was basically sedentary for three days and that is very unusual for me. Tomorrow, to my knowledge I have no GP, hospital visits, etc (fingers crossed!) so I really hope to hit that four file target, even if it's in two chunks.

Recovery 1 week post diagnosis

It has now been a week since my diagnosis with bilateral pulmonary embolism and I've started to feel more normal. So naturally, I'm starting to think about running. Or rather not thinking about actually running, but thinking about whether I should be thinking about running. There doesn't seem to be a lot of guidance about when to resume normal activity but a lot of "listen to your body" type talk. Much as I'd like to think that I'm good at listening to my body please consider the evidence:

Exhibit A
I had chest pain, dizziness, and nausea two miles into a gentle jog the day my symptoms started that forced me to sit down on the edge of the path. I had run to the end of a dock from my car and then back past it in the opposite direction so I was now less than a mile from my car. Did I listen to my body and walk back, or did I decide to continue on to make it up to six miles? Guess! 

Exhibit B
When chest pain and shortness of breath woke me the following night I went to the local doctor-on-call service and explained my symptoms. When I was prescribed antibiotics and steroids for an infection I knew I didn't have, I still didn't listen to my body and go across the road to the ED and instead sat in traffic on the M50 for 1.5hrs each way and walked around a factory all day most probably with multiple blood clots in my lungs. 

Exhibit C
It took five more days of chest pain before I finally went to the ED and even then I felt like I was making it up and wasting someone's time. This is at the exact same time as knowing deep down that something was terribly wrong!  

All of the above I submit as evidence that although I once considered myself really good at listening to my body, this is no longer the case. So how then, do I begin to reclaim my fitness without overdoing it?

Two days ago I walked three miles slowly with my daughter. I felt fine during and after it, but then had a terrible night and was convinced I had a new clot.
Yesterday I did nothing, partially to do with having two visitors and partially to do with the fact that it rained cats and dogs all day.
Today I again walked three miles with my daughter. This time I took a break at the halfway point to catch my breath and really pulled back on the uphill when I started to feel some chest discomfort. Is this listening to my body? When does that turn into weakness?
As far as running is concerned, I don't think I will try until the chest pain at rest has resolved and until I get a CT scan of my pelvis and abdomen as I want to know that there isn't anything else lurking in there before I shake everything around too much.
Tomorrow? Four miles walking maybe?

A prolonged pause

Are you there Blog? It's me, Lisa. I have just read back through my last few posts from 2015 and it really does feel a lifetime ago since I wrote here, and at the same time only just out of reach - much like my fitness and mental health!

I have decided to get back to writing this little log as I miss the act of writing for its' own sake, and I'm far too disorganised to start an actual journal. I want to come here to document my journey back to wellness. In many ways, this has already begun; the return to health, to job satisfaction, and to personal fulfillment. One baby step at a time. Not asking for much am I?

The last few years have certainly not been all bad, on the contrary, there has been so much to be grateful for. So very much of everything that my poor old battered brain went into overload like the robot on Lost in Space (the old one) and forgot how to chill the eff out.

Things to be grateful for:

• I am in good physical health, a bit anaemic, but who isn't?
• I have two kids in college doing things they enjoy.
• My partner is funny, kind, gentle, loyal and loving. Also handsome. 
• I have good friends, close-by who are busy but supportive. 
• The above-mentioned college education is not bankrupting me as yet.
• I have no major consumer debt. 
• My job is ok.
• I'm not that out of shape. 

This is a lot! I am so very lucky....but of course, I would like to be able to upgrade this slightly, just not at the expense of losing any of the above. How about all of the above but not anaemic and in good running shape? It's a deal! 

Underwhelming performance

Back in Ireland as of today.  Didn't get to blog at all from Zimbabwe but that was due to lack of access to wifi or indeed any phone signal at all.  The lack of running was due to not having a death wish.  I managed one run and that was on a safari park and by far the safest place to run despite constantly having to make sure nothing was going to jump out of the long grass at me.  

Harare itself was out as there are no footpaths and all the drivers seem to be insane.  We then went to Chirundu on the Zambezi river and the only running you would do there was away from crocs so I gave up and stopped stressing about it.  

Despite these restrictions this was easily the best holiday of my life and I fell in love with Zimbabwe and more specifically the Zambezi river more than I thought possible.  

We arrived in Harare two weeks ago to perfect high 20's temperatures during the day and cooler nights.  It's winter there.  The first full day we had my cousins "kitchen tea" which is basically a hen night but usually starts earlier and is lulls you into a false sense of security as there is some actual tea and scones etc. See below!

However this later degenerates into a full on session except in someones back garden instead of a pub.  

The wedding itself took place at a safari lodge about 1.5 hrs north of Harare.  While there we were treated to a game drive where we saw zebra, impala, lions, warthogs.  The day of the wedding the bride was followed to the fig tree that the ceremony was held at by a family of three elephants.  It was magical.  

We returned to Harare the day after the wedding and spent two more days there preparing for a trip to the river.  At the time I wasn't too enamoured with this prospect as I reckoned there wasn't a chance in hell of getting me out on the water.  The six hour drive up to the border of Zimbabwe with Zambia didn't help my mood but as it turns out I was so enchanted by the place when I arrived that I was out on the boats or messing around on sandbanks from 7:30am to 5pm every day and would have been out longer only the sun sets so early!  It was the most beautiful and peaceful place and I had to be dragged home.  Also I want a boat.  Just a small one!